Change You Don't Have To Believe In

Heeey Brother,

You're right! People ARE like taquitos! And I want to play too!

People are like taquitos.....because....having an intimate encounter with one at 3am in a gas station parking lot will fill you with shame and regret.......poetry was never really my thing.

I really enjoyed reading your last entry. After I finished it, I turned on the TV and was harassed by an endless parade of NDP and Liberal ads, both claiming to be the change the nation needs. You can't help but notice that these proclamations of change are always pretty nondescript. Because while a massive majority of the country agrees that change is in order, defining what that change should look like can get a little contested. But the main goal of a campaign isn't really to change peoples minds, or win people over from the other 'side'. It's to drive voter turnout with people who agree with you, and convince undecided voters that you're the one they already agree with. And that's because, people don't change their minds very often. We surround ourselves with people who validate our beliefs; we seek out information that confirms the things we suspect, and find reasons to deny any contrary evidence. Even when someone presents a compelling case, we often times dig our heels in like stubborn mules. People don't change their minds easily.

It really wasn't my intention to go on a political rant today...but the election results got me thinking. An old friend of mine messaged me as the results were being reported and asked me if I was still a Conservative. This person obviously hadn't talked politics with me for a while, but I was reminded that when I was 19 I voted Conservative. It took a lot to change my mind - new friends, a lot of books, and a degree in political science. But here's the concerning part - when I was 19, I was positive that I was right and anyone who disagreed was wrong...and I felt the same way a few years later, even though all of my positions had changed! Why? Why was my change of opinion not accompanied with a dose of humility?

I can think of one other example. As you know, we grew up in a religious home. Mom and Dad weren't zealots or legalists. Far from it. But we grew up praying before meals, going to Sunday school and having our mouths washed out with soap when we swore (okay... maybe that one was just me). As you grow up, you start to question your beliefs, and like a game of Jenga, the tower of your faith begins to wobble. The earth isn't six thousand years old? Pull a block! Women can't be leaders?....Pull a block! Wait, virgin birth? Pull a block! And eventually the whole thing came crashing down and I walked away, just as confident with my newly found atheism as I once was with my fundamentalism.

I have this friend... and I don't want to describe her as religious, or spiritual, because I don't know how she'd describe herself. But let's just say, she's into Jesus. I asked her how she reconciled her faith with all of these logical inconsistencies. I was expecting some sort of defence. Maybe "scientists have been wrong before!" or at least, "the lord works in mysterious ways!" But she didn't say any of that. Instead she just said, "yeah. I don't know the answers to all of those questions. And it doesn't bother me much." If that answer had come from someone else, it would have driven me insane. But the thing about this person is, she has clearly figured something out. She is full of joy and compassion and she sees life in colour...so I shut my mouth and gave her the credibility she deserves.

I'm not thinking about going back to church. Or voting Conservative for that matter. But what I am considering, is making an effort to not assume that I know everything. Maybe I could spend less time judging other peoples positions, or trying to change their minds, and a little bit more time being open myself.

Do you have any thoughts about changing your mind?

People as Taquitos

Hey Brother!

I was inspired by the reaction you got to your blog. People really responded to it. The only reason I could come up with is that people really really like... taquitos. I think taquitos may be the secret to unlocking blog celebrity status. So, on that note I would like to introduce a one part series to this blog that I call "Terrible poetry by Tim: Part one"

People are like taquitos, hard on the outside but gooey on the inside
People are like taquitos, just because they seem cool, doesn't mean they won't burn you
People are like taquitos, becoming increasingly culturally ambiguous
People are like taquitos, if they've spent hours in 7-11, they've seen some shit
People are like taquitos, just because you see their shell, doesn't mean you know what's going on inside.

So you asked me about change, and whether people ever really do. You also used me as evidence that they do. I had two entirely separate gut reactions to that. We'll start with the first: flattery and acceptance.

You said you hoped not to offend me, but it was far from it. I know I was not bold, confident, or a leader 10 years ago. I was far from it. 18 year old me would have failed horribly as a teacher, a father, a husband, or frankly an independent human. Sometimes I think about what would have happened if I had moved out on my own after high school and the picture is not pretty. The house would be a mess and I'd likely only ever eat scrambled eggs, grilled cheese, and things that go in the microwave.

In terms of how I changed from 15 year old me, to 28 year old me, I can only think of one answer: necessity. I don't think I ever woke up and decided that I would be different. There was no New Years resolution that changed me. I changed because I had to. People talk a lot about being ready for certain things in life, but some things you can't prepare for. I don't think you can ever be ready to be a dad, for example. Nothing can prepare you for that. It is the things you have to do to be successful as a dad that change you. When I got married, I was not the kind of person who could give 95% of his time to other people. I'm there now. I didn't choose that, I was changed into that.

I think that there's a certain extent to which we form our situations, and a certain extent to which our situations form us. So I guess if you want to change you kind of have to force yourself into situations that change you. I think that's clear in my life. The times I've changed the most have been the times I've forced myself out of my comfort zone. Being a camp councillor, a husband, a father, a student, a teacher. All these things drew different parts of me out and made me change. Maybe if it weren't for those experiences I'd still be like I was when I was 15. Obviously the situations that change you would be different than the situations that changed me, but it's the same basic idea.

But this is all without mentioning my second gut reaction, which tells a different story. There was a very large part of me that thought "Oh there's another person I've tricked". There's this nagging voice in my head that says maybe I haven't changed, and that maybe at some point everyone will realize I'm a fraud. My co workers will realize I have no idea what I'm doing, I'll never be a successful teacher, and my family will have to work around the fact that I'm not good at anything.

I know this is irrational. I'm on my third year of doing this teacher thing, and I'm getting better not worse. But that voice is still there. So sometimes I wonder if I've really changed. Maybe I'm still just scared 15 year old Tim with zero confidence. Maybe I'm just really good at putting on a front. Maybe people think I've changed, but they don't know what's going on inside.

Now I don't want you to come out of this thinking I'm some tortured soul on the inside who's falling apart, that's not true, but that voice is still there. Maybe it's getting quieter, it's still a part of me, but you don't see it. But that's one of the interesting things about being human, we never get to see what's going on inside people. We will never truly understand what it's like to be someone else. Even the people we are closest to and think we know inside and out can still surprise us. In the end we are kind of like taquitos, just because you see the outer shell, doesn't mean you know what's inside.

So, brother, do you have any other thoughts on changing, how we see other people, life, or more importantly, taquitos?

Change is Hard

Hey Brother!

This is a brand new beginning for me. A little more than a month ago, I got on a plane and flew most of the way across the country with nothing but a few suitcases. I sold my furniture, my TV and my first car. Basically, if I couldn’t take it on the plane, it was sold or given away. So I walked into an empty apartment with my carry on bags, and that was it. I was ‘moved in’. It’s starting to come along now, but for a while the empty space felt less like a home and more like a vacant garage.

It’s daunting, but the potential of a new beginning is also really exciting. In fact, I may be addicted to new beginnings. In a little over 4 years, I have lived in Kelowna, Edmonton, Regina, Vancouver and Toronto. There’s something about a new city, new apartment, new neighbourhood, new climate, that feels full of hope. Like a new years resolution on steroids. I could be better with my finances. I could start going to the gym. I could pick up that book and put down the taquito! I could learn to play the guitar, or bake a lasagna! The possibilities are endless.

I can trace my affinity for fresh starts back to elementary school. I used to love the first day of a new year. Every September was an opportunity to reinvent myself. “This year, maybe I’ll do my homework! I’ll be more organized! I’ll talk less and be more mysterious! I’ll dress up like a clown and wave at cars on my way to class! (story for another day). I even started writing a book called ‘Chapter 1’s’ because I loved beginning new stories, but quickly lost interest.

Here’s the discouraging part - I never did my homework. I always choose nap over gym and I can’t play guitar or bake a lasagna. I have had enough new starts to confirm the age old saying - wherever you go, there you are. So much so, that lately I’ve been asking myself if change is even possible, or if we are just stuck with ourselves. I can trace a lot of my biggest shortcomings back to my childhood, and that’s kind of terrifying! I’m still impulsive. Bad with money. And will put my foot in my mouth in pursuit of a laugh. I can trace that stuff back to 7 year old me!

The more I think about it, the more I realize that it’s an age old topic that has been covered by much smarter people than me. It’s the classic debate of nature vs nurture. It’s even a debate about free will vs determinism. But I’m not looking for answers as much as I am my own personal philosophy. I need to believe that people can grow and change. That we can become something new. Partly so i’m not damned to a life of taquitos, but also because that’s the foundation of the society I want to live in. One where we forgive each other and give each other second chances. One where we educate each other and challenge each other to be better.

With all of that comes a healthy dose of accountability. I can’t blame my genes or my circumstances. All of those times I made a new years resolution, whether it was new years or not, and failed - that’s on me. Because I have to believe change is possible. It’s just really hard.

As I look around for evidence to support my hope that people can change, I see you. You are a bold, confident, ambitious leader…and i hope this isn’t offensive, but that was not you as a child. So I guess I’m wondering if you have any thoughts on change, or anything else.

New Beginnings

Hey Brother!

I've been thinking a lot about new beginnings lately.

Like how I begin a new blog project every 6 months or so. But enough about that.

I always imagined that life would settle in to something regular and predictable at a certain point. Like I would finish school and get a real job and then everything would just kind of be normal from then on out. But that's not really the way it works.

The last 5 years have been just one new beginning after another. Begin a new marriage, begin a new school program, begin being a parent, begin a new job, begin living in a new city, begin living in another new city, begin being a parent of two. It would be one thing if that was the end of it, but as our family looks 5 years down the line, we see nothing but more new beginnings. I can't help but wonder if things will ever just settle in to something normal.

But that just raises another question... Do I really want things to settle in to something normal? I mean, make no mistake, I'm absolutely the kind of person who would settle in to something comfortable when given the chance. I basically have to be dragged out of my comfort zone, but maybe that's good for me some times. For example, I'm the kind of person who could go to a restaurant ten times and only ever order one thing. Some of my favourite places to eat lunch are places where I've only tried a single thing on the menu. I know I like it, so why risk trying something I may hate? The problem is, I'm missing out on a lot of good stuff, and half the fun of life isn't just enjoying something, it's discovering things you enjoy.

This also applies to things that are a much bigger deal than restaurants. Like where I live. I loved growing up in Kelowna, and would gladly stay there my whole life. It's comfortable, it's familiar, I know how to get around, I know what to do when I'm bored, and where I like to eat. But moving to Langley has given me new experiences. Living half an hour from the ocean has opened my eyes to a whole different kind of thing I enjoy. It's one thing to learn about ocean life and tides, it's an entirely different thing to go out there and watch the tides move in person. The sense of awe you get when you realize that the moon is literally pushing the ocean water around, leaving all sorts of clams and crabs and other life in its trails is a thing you would never experience in the Okanagan. Theoretically, I totally get gravity, but watching it happen is something my brain totally can't handle.

New beginnings are also good for me. I used to be terrified to make changes. New jobs, new cities, new school programs, new kinds of relationships, they all used to terrify me. Now that I've experienced all those things... they still terrify me. But in a different way. They're scary, but not paralyzing. New beginnings just lead to more new beginnings, and more confidence in my ability to handle them. I need new beginnings, even if I have to be dragged out of my comfort zone to experience them.

So, as someone who just moved most of the way across a continent, I'm sure you can relate to some of this. I'd love to hear about some of your new beginnings.