Invisible Audiences

Hey Brother!

I'm glad you liked that advice so much. I think a poster is a great idea, but we can do better than a calming meadow.

Thoughts? I think it's pretty great. Something that all of our regular readers (Hi Mom and Dad!) will really enjoy.

I've been thinking a lot about your question this week, and here's what I came up with.

The thing that comes to mind when I think of doing things because of what other people thought are all the things I've never actually done. Especially when I was a kid. I was so scared of other people that I had two friends all the way through elementary school. I never branched out. I never talked to kids I didn't know or tried things I wasn't comfortable with. I had two zones, my tiny comfort zone, and the danger zone. I avoided the danger zone at all costs.

The best example of this I can think of was after I quit soccer. I want to say I was around 9 years old. I quit because I wasn't very good, and my team wasn't very good. In reality I probably wasn't that bad, just not aggressive enough to get anything done. Anyway, I remember dad saying that it was fine if I didn't want to do soccer, but I should do something. So we signed up for something I was actually interested in, a computer class.

I remember being excited for this class, until we got there. I didn't even make it out of the parking lot. I was terrified. I don't remember exactly what I was scared of, but I think it was that everyone else would be better than me. So I just didn't go. I wish I'd gone. Seems like something I would've enjoyed. But the point is, there's a lot of things I could've done, but I didn't. I'm trying to be better now, to venture out of my comfort zone, but it's still a challenge.

The funny thing is that as much as I can wish I would've done things differently when I was younger, I still turned out fine and I wouldn't want to change anything about my life now. So maybe what I would tell my younger self is "Don't worry about it. Everything's going to be fine. This stuff isn't a big deal".

Which is kind of the same thing I find myself trying to tell my students. Teenagers are so worried about how they appear to others. They're always concerned about their invisible audiences. Adults don't help either. They're always trying to scare them into doing their best in school. Like, if you don't do well in grade 9, you won't get to do the grade 10 courses you want and then you won't ever get to do the college program you want and then your life is pretty much over. The message I want them to understand is that they should just do their best, find some things they enjoy, and not worry so much.

I know that's what I'd tell my younger self. Don't worry so much. Everyone's not really watching. And even if they are, who cares?

What would you tell your younger self if you had the chance?

If A Tree Fails In The Forrest

Hey Brother,

"The first step to being really good at something is being really bad at something."

That is really inspiring. I want to hang that poster in my office with a backdrop of a calming meadow. Seriously. 

I remember learning about Mozart as a kid...apparently he just sat down at a piano when he was a toddler and started playing. He was never terrible. But for the rest of us, we have to embrace failure as step 1. I think that was easier as a kid, because everyone was terrible, so you didn't stick out. Oh, you don't know how to do long division? none of us do. That's why we're in grade 3! Oh, you need the baseball to sit on top of a tee in order to make contact? Well you should probably man up, because tee's are unacceptable at any age.

You get the point. It was easy when we were young, because everything about us was in development. Nowadays there is this looming assumption that i'm supposed to be an adult. A completed version of something. And with that, comes a pressure to not suck at things! That pressure is probably exclusively internal, but nonetheless, it's there, and it's toxic!

What would I love to be good at, that I currently suck at? There's a long list, but I've narrowed it down to three that share something in common. Fantasy football, dating and standup comedy. What do they have in common? Not only do I suck at them, but improving would mean falling on my face in public. Which means I have to stop caring what other people think...or at least care more about improving.

I'm trying to think of things i've done that illustrate not caring what other people think...it's probably not a good sign that wearing white after labour day, and live tweeting the bachelor are pretty high on my list. The things i've done because I care what others think is definitely a deeper category. In grade 2, I accidentally wore my pyjamas to school. I didn't realize they were on underneath my snow suit. When I discovered what I'd done, I hid in the bathroom until mom brought me a change of clothes. When I was six, I snuck into the medicine cabinet and found the 'extra strength' Tums. "Extra strength? I need that!" I ate the whole bottle and checked my bicep for growth between each pill popped.

It's terrifying, but there is just too much I want to accomplish that involves a healthy dose of public humility. So i'm not kidding; I'm currently designing my office and your quote is going on the wall. I figure that will solve everything, right?

When you think about things you've done because of what other people thought....or despite what they thought. What comes to mind?