People as Taquitos

Hey Brother!

I was inspired by the reaction you got to your blog. People really responded to it. The only reason I could come up with is that people really really like... taquitos. I think taquitos may be the secret to unlocking blog celebrity status. So, on that note I would like to introduce a one part series to this blog that I call "Terrible poetry by Tim: Part one"

People are like taquitos, hard on the outside but gooey on the inside
People are like taquitos, just because they seem cool, doesn't mean they won't burn you
People are like taquitos, becoming increasingly culturally ambiguous
People are like taquitos, if they've spent hours in 7-11, they've seen some shit
People are like taquitos, just because you see their shell, doesn't mean you know what's going on inside.

So you asked me about change, and whether people ever really do. You also used me as evidence that they do. I had two entirely separate gut reactions to that. We'll start with the first: flattery and acceptance.

You said you hoped not to offend me, but it was far from it. I know I was not bold, confident, or a leader 10 years ago. I was far from it. 18 year old me would have failed horribly as a teacher, a father, a husband, or frankly an independent human. Sometimes I think about what would have happened if I had moved out on my own after high school and the picture is not pretty. The house would be a mess and I'd likely only ever eat scrambled eggs, grilled cheese, and things that go in the microwave.

In terms of how I changed from 15 year old me, to 28 year old me, I can only think of one answer: necessity. I don't think I ever woke up and decided that I would be different. There was no New Years resolution that changed me. I changed because I had to. People talk a lot about being ready for certain things in life, but some things you can't prepare for. I don't think you can ever be ready to be a dad, for example. Nothing can prepare you for that. It is the things you have to do to be successful as a dad that change you. When I got married, I was not the kind of person who could give 95% of his time to other people. I'm there now. I didn't choose that, I was changed into that.

I think that there's a certain extent to which we form our situations, and a certain extent to which our situations form us. So I guess if you want to change you kind of have to force yourself into situations that change you. I think that's clear in my life. The times I've changed the most have been the times I've forced myself out of my comfort zone. Being a camp councillor, a husband, a father, a student, a teacher. All these things drew different parts of me out and made me change. Maybe if it weren't for those experiences I'd still be like I was when I was 15. Obviously the situations that change you would be different than the situations that changed me, but it's the same basic idea.

But this is all without mentioning my second gut reaction, which tells a different story. There was a very large part of me that thought "Oh there's another person I've tricked". There's this nagging voice in my head that says maybe I haven't changed, and that maybe at some point everyone will realize I'm a fraud. My co workers will realize I have no idea what I'm doing, I'll never be a successful teacher, and my family will have to work around the fact that I'm not good at anything.

I know this is irrational. I'm on my third year of doing this teacher thing, and I'm getting better not worse. But that voice is still there. So sometimes I wonder if I've really changed. Maybe I'm still just scared 15 year old Tim with zero confidence. Maybe I'm just really good at putting on a front. Maybe people think I've changed, but they don't know what's going on inside.

Now I don't want you to come out of this thinking I'm some tortured soul on the inside who's falling apart, that's not true, but that voice is still there. Maybe it's getting quieter, it's still a part of me, but you don't see it. But that's one of the interesting things about being human, we never get to see what's going on inside people. We will never truly understand what it's like to be someone else. Even the people we are closest to and think we know inside and out can still surprise us. In the end we are kind of like taquitos, just because you see the outer shell, doesn't mean you know what's inside.

So, brother, do you have any other thoughts on changing, how we see other people, life, or more importantly, taquitos?