Love, Destiny, The Meaning of Life, and Grilled Cheese Sandwiches.

Hey Brother!

I don't believe in love at first sight. It just doesn't make sense to me. Love isn't really something you discover, it's something you build. Like, when I first met the woman I love, we weren't in love right away. I didn't even know her. But after we hung out for a while we realized we liked each other. So we started something together. We built a relationship on the foundation of trust, openness, honesty, attraction, and a fair bit of silliness, and then once it'd been building that for a while it just became love. There was no dramatic RomCom moment where fate took control of things and we confessed our love in a climactic moment. It was just a moment where we both felt comfortable calling it what it was. I mean, it was romantic and sweet and all that, but it wasn't the way the movies make it feel.

So what does this have to do with your question? Well you asked me about how people find their passions, and I think people often think it looks the same way love looks in movies. Like one day you'll just pick up a guitar, fall in love with music, and live the rest of your life as a rock star. We drive this into peoples heads right from the beginning. Constantly asking kids what they want to be when they grow up. Like they should pick something they're good at when they're 10 and be really good at it and stick with it forever. The truth is that I know very few people who knew what they wanted to do after high school before they graduated. I know way more people who thought one thing and realized they were totally wrong about it. More importantly, when it really comes down to it, how many people actually get to work their dream job? Most people end up working jobs that are necessary for our society, pay most of their bills, and are tolerable.

Also, what if your passion isn't something you'll ever be paid for? We don't always do a great job of supporting kids here either. How many times has a kid picked up a fun hobby only to have an adult ask them how they're ever going to make a living off that? Who cares? If your job and your passion aren't the same then it's great to still have access to both.

So how do people find their passions? Well... I don't think there's a simple answer. Some people are born knowing them. Some people are raised into them. Others just kind of discover them. I honestly wish I had a better answer for you, but if I'm being honest I don't really feel like I know mine. I mean, obviously I'm passionate about my family, but who isn't? I enjoy working with younger people. I also really like fiction and the impact it can have on society. Does that mean I'm passionate about being an English teacher? I don't really know. I love my job, but there are aspects of it I'm good at and aspects I need to work on and passion just seems like a crazy strong word to me.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that your passion isn't some hollywood style destiny. It's something you have to build, discover, and define for yourself. Because using other people's standards doesn't tell you anything. Maybe that's not a satisfying answer. Maybe it would be nice to have a neat answer that wraps up any loose ends. I don't really think life has those kinds of answers. I think with most things in life you just have to find your own answers.

The other day one of my students handed me a blank piece of paper and told me it was a creative writing project on procrastination. I handed it back and told him it was a project on the meaning of life. "Oh life has no meaning?" He asked. "No," I said "It's a blank slate and it's up to you to fill it."

Yes. I'm that corny. But I also kind of believe it. Also, I mostly said it to make him laugh. But still, it's true.

At the end of the day the meaning of life is like the perfect grilled cheese sandwich. Only you can decide what that means for you.

But this leaves me wondering, are there any universal truths? Anything grounded in objective truth? How do we know what they are? What do you think?

Origin Stories

What have I done that has been hard, but totally worth it?

I get what you’re trying to do here. You write this beautiful piece about the trials and tribulations of parenthood, and then I’m left to compare it to my life long quest to find the perfect grilled cheese sandwich. And while I believe history will appreciate my sacrifice, for the time being, it just doesn’t stack up against the virtues of fatherhood. What I’m saying is, you may have won the battle, but the war is cheesy, delicious, and it doesn’t burn the roof of your mouth.

I’ve been thinking about your question a lot. And I keep coming back to superhero origin stories. Because nobody is more passionate and driven about a single cause than a superhero. Why is that? Well, something significant happened that inspired their obsession for justice. Bruce Wayne watched his parents get shot in a back alley. Peter Parker’s indifference got his uncle killed and Superman’s entire planet was destroyed….right? I don’t know. I don’t really watch superhero movies. But the point is, something happened that set them on their path. And this happens in real life all the time, with non super people. I’m sure there are inspiring answers to the question, what made you want to become a doctor? a lawyer? a teacher? What made you want to adopt? Donate? Protest? Volunteer?

Here is where my challenge comes in…I don’t have any inspirational answers to any of those questions. Don’t get me wrong…I have beliefs and opinions. If you want to talk politics or religion or philosophy, I can do that. But if I’m being 100% honest, there is very little conviction, or drive behind any of my answers. As a part of a job interview, I was asked “If you won the lottery tomorrow, and no longer HAD to work, what would you do with the rest of your life?” And I’ll be honest, I was stumped. Maybe it’s because life has been too easy. I haven’t had a traumatic, life forming event. Instead of watching a mugger shoot both my parents in a back alley, I was raised comfortably by two adoring parents who loved each other as much as their kids. Woe is me.

So I’m wondering a few things: How do you think people find their passions? What do you do when you don’t have any? What would you do if you won the lottery?….and how do you make the perfect grilled cheese?

Surprise! Your entire life is different!

Hey brother!

I really liked your last post. Like, it almost made me cry kind of liked it. I'm very glad that Grace has you in her life. Also, I'm sure at some point you will have a little family of your own, so I'm going to answer your question in the form of a top 5 surprises you can look forward to!

5. Poop.

Okay, obviously babies poop. Obviously you'll have to clean it up. However, if you're like me, there will be things about poop that you have no idea about yet. For example, did you know that newborns poop is basically tar for 3 days? I had no idea. As a bonus surprise, at some point you may be alone at home with your baby, and have to make the decision between having a private poop and having a baby that isn't screaming. No judgement either way.

4. Products

You will be shocked and amazed by how many baby products there are. I'm not just talking about the simple things like diapers, wipes, and toys. I'm talking about the swings, the chairs, the diaper genies, the multiple kinds of cloth diaper options, the bumbos, the multiple kinds of strollers and baby carriers that you didn't know were a thing but you now realize are a whole world of their own. You'll feel completely in over your head, and don't let that feeling get to you because...

3. You're in completely over your head.

The days before you have your first you'll be sitting there with the mother of your soon to be child saying "I think we're ready" you'll have bought all the necessary products, prepared a room for the baby, done a prenatal class, read a bunch of stuff online about never giving your baby screen time, sugar, gluten, or foods that start with the letter "H" and you'll feel prepared. You'll go to the hospital, the birth part will be insane, and then you'll have a baby! And then you'll feel like the hard part is over, and now you'll get to enjoy your baby. Then a couple days later, the doctors and nurses will tell you it's time to go home. You'll be so excited! Then you'll get in the car, start driving, and realize that you have no idea what you're doing. Suddenly you're in charge of this thing? What do you do when it cries? How do you change it? What's a swaddle again? HOW DO YOU GET IT TO SLEEP? You'll keep asking yourself when the adults are  coming, and then you'll realize that you are the adult. You kind of just have to figure it out for yourself. All those blogs and books you read, the advice your parents gave, they don't matter anymore. It's just you, your partner, and your baby. And you kind of just have to figure out how to make it work for the three of you. It will be hard, it will be scary, and it will be...

2. Exhausting.

Obviously I knew people were tired when they had a newborn. I had no idea how bad it was. Newborns wake up every 2-3 hours. That's not counting from when they went to sleep, that's counting from the last time they woke up. So if they fell asleep at midnight, they might be up again at 2am. Oh and also, it may have taken you an hour to get them to sleep, because as discussed in the last section, you have no idea what you're doing. Obviously in a two parent home there are ways to share the load, but that doesn't always go as well as you might hope. Personally I couldn't ever sleep if Sam was with one of the kids. It's hard to explain just how tired I found myself at night. I would wake up and not know where I was, and not be able to separate different portions of my life. It was kind of terrifying. Truthfully, I think the first 3 months of being a parent may be among the hardest of most peoples lives, but it's okay because...

1. They grow

Boy do kids ever grow. It's really hard to describe what it's like watching your kid, who at one point couldn't even lift their own head, run around the corner with a big smile on their face. Soon this child will start developing a personality, preferences, and even opinions. At one point they were a blank slate. You thought you were the one writing on it, and then slowly over time they start taking over and writing on it for themselves. People talk about first words and first steps a lot, but for me the best was first laughs. That's their first real big show of personality, and it's unforgettable. I've only experienced the first three years of parenting, but I already feel like I've been through 6 or 7 distinct stages of parenting, each different than the last, and each special in its own way. The hardest part is that once you leave one you'll never get back. And yes, I'm happy my children don't wake up every 2 hours anymore, but they'll also never fall asleep on my chest again, never nap with me on the couch again, never grab my thumb in that adorable way newborns do again. That's sad. Like I said, that first three months is extremely hard, harder than I knew was possible, and I honestly don't know if I want to do it again, but I'd never skip over it. It's incredibly rewarding. It's precious. It's a time with each kid that you'll never experience again. The most surprising part of being a dad is how incredibly hard it is, and how it is so worth it.

So Mark, I guess what I want to ask you is, what in your life has been hard and totally worth it?

Home Decoration

Heeey Brother,

Sorry for the hiatus. To be fair, I've been thinking about your question for a long time. If I could travel back in time, and talk to younger me, what would I tell him?...so many options.

"You're going to go to University...I know...I can't believe it either. Anyways...make sure you get your language credits now, or you'll spend your summers trapped in a sad Spanish for beginners room...and when you graduate, you won't even be able to speak Spanish."

Or

"I know jr. chicken sandwiches are delicious. But in high school you played 5 sports, and now you sit on your ass all day, so either go for a jog, or cut back on the late night McDonalds runs!"

Or

"You're going to have to pay those student loans back you know."

In all seriousness, I think I would travel back in time and teach myself a lesson on home decorating.

In an effort to make my apartment feel more like home, I've been thinking about how to decorate my bare walls. I have no interest in spending thousands of dollars on art, and I also don't really want to hang generic IKEA paintings on the wall that I have no particular interest in, just so I have something on my wall. So I've been asking myself, "what do people put on their walls?" I honestly didn't know how to answer the question. I thought about using art from my favourite movies posters and albums. I thought about putting up black and white photographs of some of my favourite sports venues from around the world (the black and white makes it artsy.) I even thought about putting up inspirational quotes like, "Home: Where you treat your friends like family, and your family like friends".....just kidding. I would never do that.

Then one day, I was shopping in a department store and I stumbled into the home decoration section, and I found all of these beautiful frames with stock photos of generic families in them, and I genuinely thought to myself, "oh ya!!! people hang pictures of their families! THAT'S why I'm having a hard time coming up with decorative ideas! phew...that explains it!"

Don't feel bad for me. It's just something I never really spent much time thinking about. 'Family' was always us kids, Mom and Dad. If you asked me, I would have told you that I wanted my own family one day, but it's not something I ever prioritized or pursued. I've spent the last five years moving across the country, focusing on work, and taking an unacceptable amount of time to recover from failed relationships.

Then Grace was born.

I remember the first time I held her. And I'm sure it sounds silly, because the love of an Uncle is pretty low on the totem pole...but it was jarring. I remember thinking, "uh-oh...this is different. I've never loved someone like this...what's going to happen when I have my OWN kids?!?" If I could somehow communicate to younger me the desire to fill those picture frames....and that it wasn't necessarily going to be handed to me on a platter, that's what I would do.

But who are we kidding. We both know younger me wouldn't have listened.

So I guess my question is, what's been the most surprising thing about being a dad?