How does one adult?

Hey Brother


It's so good to hear from you! Yes, I've heard from you many times in the last 2.5 years that weren't on this blog, but it's always good to hear from you.

You've had a crazy 2.5 years, and I'm so happy for you, even if it took you into another country. My 2.5 years has certainly been busy. I've started a new job, my wife has started a new school program, and one of my kids is in grade 1 now. And yes, being a dad is a lot like having a full time job. I'm currently writing this between comforting children.

So, my version of this experience was likely quite a bit different than yours, and I think there's a lot of reasons for this.

November was a mess. I was balancing two kids, a marriage, and a job that was extremely stressful and I felt extremely unqualified for. You know me pretty well, am I the first person who comes to mind when you hear the phrase "audit proofing"? Not that it should be any teachers job, but I'm certainly not a good candidate for it.

Anyway, there was a lot going on in my life in November. It was really hard. So when dad called and told me what happened, I don't know if I really processed it. Dad made sure to stress that it was a minor heart attack and mom was okay, so I didn't really know what to do with it. I considered coming to Kelowna for the weekend, but I knew that would be a challenge and Dad told me we wouldn't be able to see mom anyway. A while later, mom sent a video to us over messenger. Seeing that video did nothing but make me realize how much it really had effected her. That was rough. Really rough. But there wasn't much I could do about that, and I had so much on my plate that I could only spend about a day thinking about it before I moved on.

I also went back to the doctor after all this, and the news was mostly good. I've come a long way in the last few years. It's not perfect, but it's been getting better. This was not a wake up about my physical health. But it may have been a wake up call about my mental health. It simply did not feel like I had the ability to manage everything. And maybe it was all just too much. And what was affecting me in one place made it harder for me to manage in another, which made it harder to manage in another.

Maybe the scariest part of losing a parent would be that I don't feel like I'm a fully functioning adult yet. Like, I can't lose a parent, they're not done raising me!

But the thing about working in public education is that you see every kind of person in every kind of situation. When you see what everyone is dealing with you can't help but wonder... how does society even function? Is everyone dealing with all this stuff? Were mom and dad dealing with this stuff? Is this normal? Is it just part of growing up? Or am I just doing something wrong?

Anyway, I look forward to hearing from you sometime in the next 2.5 years, and I won't be offended if it's not sooner. Because sometimes life is just too much.

What's it Going to Take to Get This Guy to Respond?

Hey Brother,

I guess it’s my turn? And it looks like it’s been my turn for about 2.5 years. My bad.

It’s no excuse for not having written, but life’s been busy…for the both of us. 

I met a girl. Got Married. Moved to a different country, and started a new job. Sorta.

And you? Well I’m sure being super dad is a full time job.

You probably know what motivated me to finally write. And it wasn’t because after two and a half years of pondering, I finally came up with an insightful response to your last post.

Mom had a heart attack last week…and I wasn’t prepared for that. She’s young. She lives an active lifestyle. She doesn’t smoke or drink. And yet, she’s been in the hospital for a week now. I am hopeful that this is a good thing long term. She will get the treatment she needs. She will be monitored more closely. And she will be more prepared to live a long and fulfilling life.

Still, it’s a bit terrifying. It’s terrifying for some obvious reasons. I’m not ready to lose one of our parents. And I don’t think I knew how unready I was. But it was scary for some selfish reasons as well…and I guess that’s the part of this experience that I want to talk to you about.

Mom told me that her birth mother died of a massive heart attack when she was 32 years old…and she told me like it was something I already knew. And maybe it’s something that she had told me before…but I did not know that. It scared me to death. We have serious heart disease on both sides of the family. And for the last 7 years or so, I have not lived a lifestyle that I am proud of. I have more or less eaten what I want, when I want. Drank as much as I felt, which is often a lot. And exercise happens in spurts, but is never a consistent habit.

I’m scared for our mom. But I’m also ashamed of my past and terrified for my future. I have been walking around for the last week, feeling like I have a ticking time bomb in my chest.

Fear can be motivating. I’ve been eating healthier. Drinking less. Working out. And I have a doctors appointment booked. But fear can undercut that motivation too. I’m trying to remind myself that I have plenty of opportunity to turn things around. That my fate is not sealed. That it’s not reasonable to expect a heart attack this week, or this month. But it’s hard to not let the shame consume you. I don’t know if being motivated by fear is sustainable long term…maybe that’s a blog for another day.

So I guess I’m wondering what this process has been like for you. I can’t imagine that just because you have a beautiful family and have lost so much weight (you look great by the way), that this has been somehow easy to deal with. 

So…what has this confrontation with mortality been like for you?

Your turn. You have 2.5 years to respond.

Love, Destiny, The Meaning of Life, and Grilled Cheese Sandwiches.

Hey Brother!

I don't believe in love at first sight. It just doesn't make sense to me. Love isn't really something you discover, it's something you build. Like, when I first met the woman I love, we weren't in love right away. I didn't even know her. But after we hung out for a while we realized we liked each other. So we started something together. We built a relationship on the foundation of trust, openness, honesty, attraction, and a fair bit of silliness, and then once it'd been building that for a while it just became love. There was no dramatic RomCom moment where fate took control of things and we confessed our love in a climactic moment. It was just a moment where we both felt comfortable calling it what it was. I mean, it was romantic and sweet and all that, but it wasn't the way the movies make it feel.

So what does this have to do with your question? Well you asked me about how people find their passions, and I think people often think it looks the same way love looks in movies. Like one day you'll just pick up a guitar, fall in love with music, and live the rest of your life as a rock star. We drive this into peoples heads right from the beginning. Constantly asking kids what they want to be when they grow up. Like they should pick something they're good at when they're 10 and be really good at it and stick with it forever. The truth is that I know very few people who knew what they wanted to do after high school before they graduated. I know way more people who thought one thing and realized they were totally wrong about it. More importantly, when it really comes down to it, how many people actually get to work their dream job? Most people end up working jobs that are necessary for our society, pay most of their bills, and are tolerable.

Also, what if your passion isn't something you'll ever be paid for? We don't always do a great job of supporting kids here either. How many times has a kid picked up a fun hobby only to have an adult ask them how they're ever going to make a living off that? Who cares? If your job and your passion aren't the same then it's great to still have access to both.

So how do people find their passions? Well... I don't think there's a simple answer. Some people are born knowing them. Some people are raised into them. Others just kind of discover them. I honestly wish I had a better answer for you, but if I'm being honest I don't really feel like I know mine. I mean, obviously I'm passionate about my family, but who isn't? I enjoy working with younger people. I also really like fiction and the impact it can have on society. Does that mean I'm passionate about being an English teacher? I don't really know. I love my job, but there are aspects of it I'm good at and aspects I need to work on and passion just seems like a crazy strong word to me.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that your passion isn't some hollywood style destiny. It's something you have to build, discover, and define for yourself. Because using other people's standards doesn't tell you anything. Maybe that's not a satisfying answer. Maybe it would be nice to have a neat answer that wraps up any loose ends. I don't really think life has those kinds of answers. I think with most things in life you just have to find your own answers.

The other day one of my students handed me a blank piece of paper and told me it was a creative writing project on procrastination. I handed it back and told him it was a project on the meaning of life. "Oh life has no meaning?" He asked. "No," I said "It's a blank slate and it's up to you to fill it."

Yes. I'm that corny. But I also kind of believe it. Also, I mostly said it to make him laugh. But still, it's true.

At the end of the day the meaning of life is like the perfect grilled cheese sandwich. Only you can decide what that means for you.

But this leaves me wondering, are there any universal truths? Anything grounded in objective truth? How do we know what they are? What do you think?

Origin Stories

What have I done that has been hard, but totally worth it?

I get what you’re trying to do here. You write this beautiful piece about the trials and tribulations of parenthood, and then I’m left to compare it to my life long quest to find the perfect grilled cheese sandwich. And while I believe history will appreciate my sacrifice, for the time being, it just doesn’t stack up against the virtues of fatherhood. What I’m saying is, you may have won the battle, but the war is cheesy, delicious, and it doesn’t burn the roof of your mouth.

I’ve been thinking about your question a lot. And I keep coming back to superhero origin stories. Because nobody is more passionate and driven about a single cause than a superhero. Why is that? Well, something significant happened that inspired their obsession for justice. Bruce Wayne watched his parents get shot in a back alley. Peter Parker’s indifference got his uncle killed and Superman’s entire planet was destroyed….right? I don’t know. I don’t really watch superhero movies. But the point is, something happened that set them on their path. And this happens in real life all the time, with non super people. I’m sure there are inspiring answers to the question, what made you want to become a doctor? a lawyer? a teacher? What made you want to adopt? Donate? Protest? Volunteer?

Here is where my challenge comes in…I don’t have any inspirational answers to any of those questions. Don’t get me wrong…I have beliefs and opinions. If you want to talk politics or religion or philosophy, I can do that. But if I’m being 100% honest, there is very little conviction, or drive behind any of my answers. As a part of a job interview, I was asked “If you won the lottery tomorrow, and no longer HAD to work, what would you do with the rest of your life?” And I’ll be honest, I was stumped. Maybe it’s because life has been too easy. I haven’t had a traumatic, life forming event. Instead of watching a mugger shoot both my parents in a back alley, I was raised comfortably by two adoring parents who loved each other as much as their kids. Woe is me.

So I’m wondering a few things: How do you think people find their passions? What do you do when you don’t have any? What would you do if you won the lottery?….and how do you make the perfect grilled cheese?

Surprise! Your entire life is different!

Hey brother!

I really liked your last post. Like, it almost made me cry kind of liked it. I'm very glad that Grace has you in her life. Also, I'm sure at some point you will have a little family of your own, so I'm going to answer your question in the form of a top 5 surprises you can look forward to!

5. Poop.

Okay, obviously babies poop. Obviously you'll have to clean it up. However, if you're like me, there will be things about poop that you have no idea about yet. For example, did you know that newborns poop is basically tar for 3 days? I had no idea. As a bonus surprise, at some point you may be alone at home with your baby, and have to make the decision between having a private poop and having a baby that isn't screaming. No judgement either way.

4. Products

You will be shocked and amazed by how many baby products there are. I'm not just talking about the simple things like diapers, wipes, and toys. I'm talking about the swings, the chairs, the diaper genies, the multiple kinds of cloth diaper options, the bumbos, the multiple kinds of strollers and baby carriers that you didn't know were a thing but you now realize are a whole world of their own. You'll feel completely in over your head, and don't let that feeling get to you because...

3. You're in completely over your head.

The days before you have your first you'll be sitting there with the mother of your soon to be child saying "I think we're ready" you'll have bought all the necessary products, prepared a room for the baby, done a prenatal class, read a bunch of stuff online about never giving your baby screen time, sugar, gluten, or foods that start with the letter "H" and you'll feel prepared. You'll go to the hospital, the birth part will be insane, and then you'll have a baby! And then you'll feel like the hard part is over, and now you'll get to enjoy your baby. Then a couple days later, the doctors and nurses will tell you it's time to go home. You'll be so excited! Then you'll get in the car, start driving, and realize that you have no idea what you're doing. Suddenly you're in charge of this thing? What do you do when it cries? How do you change it? What's a swaddle again? HOW DO YOU GET IT TO SLEEP? You'll keep asking yourself when the adults are  coming, and then you'll realize that you are the adult. You kind of just have to figure it out for yourself. All those blogs and books you read, the advice your parents gave, they don't matter anymore. It's just you, your partner, and your baby. And you kind of just have to figure out how to make it work for the three of you. It will be hard, it will be scary, and it will be...

2. Exhausting.

Obviously I knew people were tired when they had a newborn. I had no idea how bad it was. Newborns wake up every 2-3 hours. That's not counting from when they went to sleep, that's counting from the last time they woke up. So if they fell asleep at midnight, they might be up again at 2am. Oh and also, it may have taken you an hour to get them to sleep, because as discussed in the last section, you have no idea what you're doing. Obviously in a two parent home there are ways to share the load, but that doesn't always go as well as you might hope. Personally I couldn't ever sleep if Sam was with one of the kids. It's hard to explain just how tired I found myself at night. I would wake up and not know where I was, and not be able to separate different portions of my life. It was kind of terrifying. Truthfully, I think the first 3 months of being a parent may be among the hardest of most peoples lives, but it's okay because...

1. They grow

Boy do kids ever grow. It's really hard to describe what it's like watching your kid, who at one point couldn't even lift their own head, run around the corner with a big smile on their face. Soon this child will start developing a personality, preferences, and even opinions. At one point they were a blank slate. You thought you were the one writing on it, and then slowly over time they start taking over and writing on it for themselves. People talk about first words and first steps a lot, but for me the best was first laughs. That's their first real big show of personality, and it's unforgettable. I've only experienced the first three years of parenting, but I already feel like I've been through 6 or 7 distinct stages of parenting, each different than the last, and each special in its own way. The hardest part is that once you leave one you'll never get back. And yes, I'm happy my children don't wake up every 2 hours anymore, but they'll also never fall asleep on my chest again, never nap with me on the couch again, never grab my thumb in that adorable way newborns do again. That's sad. Like I said, that first three months is extremely hard, harder than I knew was possible, and I honestly don't know if I want to do it again, but I'd never skip over it. It's incredibly rewarding. It's precious. It's a time with each kid that you'll never experience again. The most surprising part of being a dad is how incredibly hard it is, and how it is so worth it.

So Mark, I guess what I want to ask you is, what in your life has been hard and totally worth it?

Home Decoration

Heeey Brother,

Sorry for the hiatus. To be fair, I've been thinking about your question for a long time. If I could travel back in time, and talk to younger me, what would I tell him?...so many options.

"You're going to go to University...I know...I can't believe it either. Anyways...make sure you get your language credits now, or you'll spend your summers trapped in a sad Spanish for beginners room...and when you graduate, you won't even be able to speak Spanish."

Or

"I know jr. chicken sandwiches are delicious. But in high school you played 5 sports, and now you sit on your ass all day, so either go for a jog, or cut back on the late night McDonalds runs!"

Or

"You're going to have to pay those student loans back you know."

In all seriousness, I think I would travel back in time and teach myself a lesson on home decorating.

In an effort to make my apartment feel more like home, I've been thinking about how to decorate my bare walls. I have no interest in spending thousands of dollars on art, and I also don't really want to hang generic IKEA paintings on the wall that I have no particular interest in, just so I have something on my wall. So I've been asking myself, "what do people put on their walls?" I honestly didn't know how to answer the question. I thought about using art from my favourite movies posters and albums. I thought about putting up black and white photographs of some of my favourite sports venues from around the world (the black and white makes it artsy.) I even thought about putting up inspirational quotes like, "Home: Where you treat your friends like family, and your family like friends".....just kidding. I would never do that.

Then one day, I was shopping in a department store and I stumbled into the home decoration section, and I found all of these beautiful frames with stock photos of generic families in them, and I genuinely thought to myself, "oh ya!!! people hang pictures of their families! THAT'S why I'm having a hard time coming up with decorative ideas! phew...that explains it!"

Don't feel bad for me. It's just something I never really spent much time thinking about. 'Family' was always us kids, Mom and Dad. If you asked me, I would have told you that I wanted my own family one day, but it's not something I ever prioritized or pursued. I've spent the last five years moving across the country, focusing on work, and taking an unacceptable amount of time to recover from failed relationships.

Then Grace was born.

I remember the first time I held her. And I'm sure it sounds silly, because the love of an Uncle is pretty low on the totem pole...but it was jarring. I remember thinking, "uh-oh...this is different. I've never loved someone like this...what's going to happen when I have my OWN kids?!?" If I could somehow communicate to younger me the desire to fill those picture frames....and that it wasn't necessarily going to be handed to me on a platter, that's what I would do.

But who are we kidding. We both know younger me wouldn't have listened.

So I guess my question is, what's been the most surprising thing about being a dad?

Invisible Audiences

Hey Brother!

I'm glad you liked that advice so much. I think a poster is a great idea, but we can do better than a calming meadow.

Thoughts? I think it's pretty great. Something that all of our regular readers (Hi Mom and Dad!) will really enjoy.

I've been thinking a lot about your question this week, and here's what I came up with.

The thing that comes to mind when I think of doing things because of what other people thought are all the things I've never actually done. Especially when I was a kid. I was so scared of other people that I had two friends all the way through elementary school. I never branched out. I never talked to kids I didn't know or tried things I wasn't comfortable with. I had two zones, my tiny comfort zone, and the danger zone. I avoided the danger zone at all costs.

The best example of this I can think of was after I quit soccer. I want to say I was around 9 years old. I quit because I wasn't very good, and my team wasn't very good. In reality I probably wasn't that bad, just not aggressive enough to get anything done. Anyway, I remember dad saying that it was fine if I didn't want to do soccer, but I should do something. So we signed up for something I was actually interested in, a computer class.

I remember being excited for this class, until we got there. I didn't even make it out of the parking lot. I was terrified. I don't remember exactly what I was scared of, but I think it was that everyone else would be better than me. So I just didn't go. I wish I'd gone. Seems like something I would've enjoyed. But the point is, there's a lot of things I could've done, but I didn't. I'm trying to be better now, to venture out of my comfort zone, but it's still a challenge.

The funny thing is that as much as I can wish I would've done things differently when I was younger, I still turned out fine and I wouldn't want to change anything about my life now. So maybe what I would tell my younger self is "Don't worry about it. Everything's going to be fine. This stuff isn't a big deal".

Which is kind of the same thing I find myself trying to tell my students. Teenagers are so worried about how they appear to others. They're always concerned about their invisible audiences. Adults don't help either. They're always trying to scare them into doing their best in school. Like, if you don't do well in grade 9, you won't get to do the grade 10 courses you want and then you won't ever get to do the college program you want and then your life is pretty much over. The message I want them to understand is that they should just do their best, find some things they enjoy, and not worry so much.

I know that's what I'd tell my younger self. Don't worry so much. Everyone's not really watching. And even if they are, who cares?

What would you tell your younger self if you had the chance?